Small adjustments of the truth

If you ask a local person “Possible?” and the expected answer is as simple as “yes” or “no”, you might not get a true answer. The answer you might get is the answer that the person you asked thinks(!) you want to hear.

Why?

Probably its an act of politeness or even respect, but the answer is not necessarily true in a western meaning and I am a westerner.

Let me give you an example

If u ask how a third person is doing and the asked person thinks you are really interested in the wellbeing of the third person, you will probably get the answer “she/he is doing good” – even if the third person is quite sick.

Whats your problem with something minor like this?

My personal problem with such a minor adjustment like this is that I am really having a problem in building up trust and adjustment after adjustment is making it extra-hard for me to trust.

What does this have to do with Multiple Sclerosis?

The MS shook me in my foundations. The diagnosis literally took away the base that I was standing on and left me in a free fall. Loosing something quite essential like my ability to walk, slowing down my previously rather eloquent tongue and so much more.

So I long for trust – maybe more than ever before in my life.

Again: I can see the way

MS isn´t expainable. Nobody knows where its coming from, nobody knows where it may lead to, nobody knows how hard he or she will suffer from it. Maybe the biggest and most important enlightenment I learned in that year in Bali now, is that its affected hugely by ones mindset.

So how do I change my mindset?

Hm. Easier said than done. But I think meditation and learning to love oneself are a good way to start.

Simply meditate and we get healthy again?

Unfortunately no, but it helps. Many other steps have to be done.

Social Interactions

The few to none social interactions I am having in Bali are taking effect. Speaking to nobody in days is harder than it sounds, especially to a rather social person like I have been most of my life.

I am still very low, but “Yes”, I am doing better than yesterday

After rain is always coming sunshine, but nobody can predict how long the rainy period lasts and I have to learn to accept this.

Moving ahead

After 10 months in the same place in a very local and affordable environment (that actually is rotting because of the, well, not-really-caring management), I will move this Tuesday. I will move to Sanur, a more touristic area in the southwest of Renon.

A bit more white people, a bit more speaking and understanding Bahasa Inggris, a clean, quiet new apartment and a very friendly housekeeper and his family who promised deeply and trustworthy to care for me.

Lets see where it gets, to be open, it can only get better.

It ain´t easy

Oh my god, its freakin hard to change ones thinking. There are many, many times when I think of choosing the easier way, giving up and booking the next plane back to Europe. Mostly its the loneliness that is killing me. Despite all the beautiful encounters.

I am alone and it was only my decision

Nobody to blame for, it was only me who decided that. I didn’t expect it to be so hard.

Probably I feel my depression now more than ever, but I know after bad days, there are good days again. I just have to stay strong.

My neighbors from Kalimantan, the Oscars and Hollywood

I tried to do my neighbors from Kalimantan a favour and, after asking if they would like to see it, I forwarded them a USB-stick containing the 3D-animated movie “Coco“. So far, so good.

So whats your point?

When I tried on their laptop to enable subtitles in Bahasa (they dont speak or understand English, you might remembet) I tried to do some small-talk. I mentioned that “Coco” got an Oscar.

Oscar? Hollywood?

“What is “Oscar“”?
“Its a Film-award, you know?”
“No.”
“Hollywood, you know?”
“Aaaah, india!”
“No India, no Bollywood, America, you know?”
At that point of not understanding I gave up. Adjusted the subtitles and let them enjoy the movie.

What I learned from it

Maybe for the first time I got to understand, that Kalimantan is really a different world and its very far from the part of the world that I am coming from. A different culture.