I am tired of all the compassion I am trying to spread around the people I love. No! Its more accurate to say “I am exhausted by all the compassion…”
I know how important it is to be compassionate. Being compassionate to others and being compassionate to myself is very important for healing. At the moment I feel like there is not much more I can give. I am exhausted.
One of the key-sentences of Guruji is:
“Self-acceptance is the key to healing” – I think he is very right. Looking inside myself confirms it as often as modern western science does. Just google for it to understand.
It’s not the meditation and it’s not the yoga. It’s not the jamu, it’s not the fruits and it’s not Bali or Indonesia.
It’s much more, it’s the sum of it all together. I don’t want to call it holistic, because it’s not, but the mind working together with the body, is important and finally I am starting to feel a bit(!) better.
If you ask a local person “Possible?” and the expected answer is as simple as “yes” or “no”, you might not get a true answer. The answer you might get is the answer that the person you asked thinks(!) you want to hear.
Probably its an act of politeness or even respect, but the answer is not necessarily true in a western meaning and I am a westerner.
Let me give you an example
If u ask how a third person is doing and the asked person thinks you are really interested in the wellbeing of the third person, you will probably get the answer “she/he is doing good” – even if the third person is quite sick.
Whats your problem with something minor like this?
My personal problem with such a minor adjustment like this is that I am really having a problem in building up trust and adjustment after adjustment is making it extra-hard for me to trust.
What does this have to do with Multiple Sclerosis?
The MS shook me in my foundations. The diagnosis literally took away the base that I was standing on and left me in a free fall. Loosing something quite essential like my ability to walk, slowing down my previously rather eloquent tongue and so much more.
So I long for trust – maybe more than ever before in my life.
Life is a circle and from time to time it starts closing. I don’t get why, but I´d give a lot to understand.
This sounds esoteric, are you going insane?
I don’t know what a psychiatrist would diagnose me, but I know my horizon has widened enormous in the 13 months that I am in Bali now. I realize so much and I am working on understanding and accepting things. Maybe more than ever before in my life.
What about the circle now?
Yesterday I spoke with a friend about my admiration for Werner Herzog. He listened carefully and interested. Than he told about a fascinating documentary he had recently seen about the dark times of Suharto reigning in Indonesia by the name “The act of Killing” and guess what? Werner Herzog co-produced it.
I am running out of words to express my sadness, sympathy and grief for you and for them (at least if they didn’t want to go).
I am not thinking or speaking about anybody in particular. I suffered the loss of quite many losses during my life too, but luckily not anybody recently.
Thank you, but what’s your point?
My point is that they probably didn’t have the luck or chance to experience and learn what I experienced and learned here in Bali.
Having the pleasure of meeting Guruji Gede Prama was just one of the pleasures I mean. The longer I didn’t experience him, the more I learn about his incredible wisdom and the honor I experienced to talk to him in private.
For me, always being critic, cautious and sceptic, it was kind of a strange experience at first, but he got confirmed almost everywhere I looked. No matter if its the modern (western) science or already known and respected and accepted teachers like his holiness the Dalai Lama.
But why are you still not healthy?
I guess its just because of me. Gede Prama showed me the way, but I have to go the way alone. Too much self-hatred and a weird lack of motivation are blocking me. They only come from inside me and are part of the way.