Learning to walk again with MS

Its hard and definitely not easy, but I keep on learning. This morning I tried to “run” again and realized very quick (to be more specific “at the first step”) my body seems to have forgotten how running works. So I decided to give me and my body more time.

Its all baby-steps, you know?

Quite often I feel like a new born baby and before a baby can run, it needs to walk. So I keep on trying. Walking without the support of my walking-stick was a good and important decision.

Small adjustments of the truth

If you ask a local person “Possible?” and the expected answer is as simple as “yes” or “no”, you might not get a true answer. The answer you might get is the answer that the person you asked thinks(!) you want to hear.

Why?

Probably its an act of politeness or even respect, but the answer is not necessarily true in a western meaning and I am a westerner.

Let me give you an example

If u ask how a third person is doing and the asked person thinks you are really interested in the wellbeing of the third person, you will probably get the answer “she/he is doing good” – even if the third person is quite sick.

Whats your problem with something minor like this?

My personal problem with such a minor adjustment like this is that I am really having a problem in building up trust and adjustment after adjustment is making it extra-hard for me to trust.

What does this have to do with Multiple Sclerosis?

The MS shook me in my foundations. The diagnosis literally took away the base that I was standing on and left me in a free fall. Loosing something quite essential like my ability to walk, slowing down my previously rather eloquent tongue and so much more.

So I long for trust – maybe more than ever before in my life.

It sounded so true and easy

I mean Gurujus way out of this disease, but on days like today, I am afraid of not being strong enough. “Show compassion”, “learn to love yourself” and meditate.

Sounds easy, right?

Modern science and personal role-models confirm it and I know all of them are true. The key to it all is in my head but in the last time it all just got too much. I feel like I can’t stand it anymore and so often I feel like giving up.

You’re really going back?

Going back to Germany, getting a wheelchair, giving up the sorrows about money, giving up the worries how to get food and going the easy way. At the moment, I really don’t know.